The end of 2015 is upon us, and the time is nigh to look back at some of the happenings of this year, ere is it forgotten. 2015 was the year of dresses, of fracas, and of baking, and by Jove, it was a good one.
Notable deaths this year included Christopher Lee, Terry Pratchett, and Blind Date’s Cilla Black who was awkwardly given tribute in a video released by Channel 4 News. They showed a clip of her signing off from an episode of the long running dating programme with the words, “Ta ra everyone, ta ra!” before fading into her obituary for a hauntingly cheery send-off that made me laugh an inappropriate amount. Here’s the video: https://twitter.com/Channel4News/status/682260695103086592
February saw an internet sensation, a dress that looked white and gold or black and blue. People went absolutely colour mad, and there were colour-identification experts all over social media, aggressively proclaiming that they too, could identify colours. Apparently there’s some science involved, but only that’s what those blue and black supporters would have you believe, the bastards.
Also in February, the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey was released, allowing all the middle-aged kink twiglets to get their kicks in picture instead of from words and their imagination. Alongside of this release, Phillip Schofield and Christine Bleakley investigated “Bondage for Beginners” on This Morning which culminated in Schofield using a nipple clamp on himself. Needless to say, the complaints department were inundated. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7EX4gnbKX0
In March, Jeremy Clarkson was embroiled in a scandal in which he reportedly had a “fracas” with a producer. He was reported to have punched producer Oisin Tymon in an argument when Clarkson couldn’t have a steak because the chef at their hotel had gone home. This led to his contract not being renewed by the BBC, and his subsequent departure. Clarkson, May and Hammond have since signed a deal with Amazon Prime, whilst the BBC will continue Top Gear, fronted by ginger hedgehog Chris Evans, starting in May next year.
The General Election was won by the Conservative party in May with a surprise majority, which will see Cameron in power until 2020. This isn’t the only thing Cameron has been up to, after Lord Ashcroft published a book claiming the Cameron had put his genitals in the mouth of a pig whilst at university. This was denied, but the internet had a field day at his expense.
Election losses also led Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg to resign as leaders of their parties, giving rise to Jeremy Corbyn, and the new leader of the Lib Dems. Shadow Minister for Knitwear Corbyn, is reported to have a liking for man-hole covers and has angered many by not acting like a normal politician (that everyone hates) but like an actual person (that everyone hates).
The internet was again taken by storm in June as woman had their breath taken away by a handsome Gorilla in Japan. Shabani has apparently developed a group of followers who visit him at Higashiyama Zoo in Nagoya, Japan. The birth-rate in Japan is dangerously low at 1.4 children per women, meaning the population is shrinking at an alarming rate. Perhaps if Japanese men were more like Shabani, with his rippling muscles and Clooney-esque charm, this would not be an issue.
In the world of Television, Britain went bake-off crazy, as Nadia took home the crown. Her signature dish in the final was called “Nadia’s Iced Buns”; take from that what you will. In the spirit of Britishness, I submitted my own TV idea to the BBC, the Great British Shitting Bee, or its before-watershed title, the Great British Log Off. It was declined.
Straight after Bake Off came the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, this year featuring such stars as Ainsley Harriott and Jamelia – competition was fierce. As usual, the show flies through themed weeks like a middle-aged couple attempting to use roleplay to keep their love life going. I watched Movies week and saw a Charleston to the Star Wars Cantina song – very arousing.
In the twilight of the year, Andy Murray was crowned as Sports Personality of the Year. He stood out as someone who has very little personality from a field of exemplary sportsmen and women who also have very little personality. He’s grumpy, and sometimes he cries.
The weather then took a turn for the worse, possibly God protesting against the SPotY result, or according to UKIP Counsellor David Silvester, maybe it was the homosexual community again. Flash floods across the North caused chaos with tens of thousands of houses without power for multiple days. The Blitz-spirit was out in force, and despite every vox pop on the news being another northern person exclaiming how “They’d never seen it this bad before.” Then Cameron visited the North, and was heckled by passers-by.
Many other things happened in 2015, and many things will continue to happen, things have a habit of that. I hope you all have a jolly and spirited 2016. Ta ra everyone. Ta ra.
The Daily Spittoon 