The Daily Spittoon

Following a disastrous General Election, the resignation of Bacon-Butty connoisseur Ed Miliband left a leader sized hole in the Labour Party. With less than a week to go before the ballots close, here’s everything you need to know about the Labour Leadership Election. I realise now that people can no longer register to vote, and those who are registered have probably already voted. Nevertheless, the candidates are:

Jeremy Corbyn

MP for Islington North, the most left-leaning candidate and the only non-career politician, many political commentators have come out against Corbyn, affirming that his leadership would be disastrous to the Labour Party. Let’s be honest, it’d probably go fine, it seems like people like him. A new word has spawned from his campaign: “Corbynomics” describing his radical loony left Economic Policy, which in reality isn’t radical and actually quite astute. Currently 66, if Corbyn were to win the next General Election, he would be 71, and unfortunately, there isn’t a government provision for stair-lifts.

Andy Burnham

Cambridge graduate Burnham was an early favourite in the race for Labour Leader but like most politicians, he lacks the depth of personality needed to capture the imagination of the electorate. He supported Blair under New Labour and ran for Labour Leader in 2010, where he was less popular than Ed Miliband. And David Miliband. And Ed Balls. Not an awe-inspiring track record. Some Burnham supporters have called for Yvette Cooper to stand down from the running in order to garner more support against Corbyn.

Yvette Cooper

MP for Normanton, Pontefract and Castleford, Cooper is rumoured to be having a late surge in popularity due to her stance on the Syrian Refugee Crisis. She has gained some support for being a working mum – she has three children with her spouse, the newly unemployed Ed Balls. Not surprisingly, she kept her own name. Some Cooper supporters have called for Andy Burnham to stand down from the running in order to garner more support against Corbyn.

Liz Kendall

The most centralist of the candidates and another Cambridge graduate, Kendall has said that Labour need to “face the hard truths”. Ironically, she’s polling poorly, and may have to face the hard truth that the Labour party would prefer everyone else instead. Her former partner is comedian Greg Davies, and she reportedly likes Dr Dre. I’ve had to resort to gossip because I can’t think of anything funny. She’s a relatively new MP, having been first elected in 2010 and her policies are fairly similar to the Tories. That’s not funny.

I hope you’re as moist-mouthed as I am at the prospect of the winner being announced on the 12th September and hope whoever wins enjoys their 5 years of being the shadow prime minister, which isn’t even a real job.